Titling this post as Dec 11, but at this point it's really the 12th. C'est la vie
I'm currently not feeling super tired and thought getting to sit down and write would be a good way to spend some of the time in the early morning. As usual, for those who are here, welcome and an early thanks for sparing the time to look at what I've got going on. This blogging idea is still fairly new to me and I'm hoping that there's some good nuggests that come out of this.
A good chunk of my mental capacity lately has been tied up in gender dysphoria. Finding time to do anything remotely femme has been a challenge, on top of not wanting to present publicly just yet and I need to still take care of the pets in the morning and all. Small steps towards that and doing more subtle things where I can and feel comfortable doing so.
The other aspect of this that's eating at me is my overall shape. I'm heavy and it means things fit even worse than they might otherwise have. I seem to carry most of that weight around my belly, and even though I have some slight curve in my hips, the belly really cancels that out and gives me a very rectangle shape that I'm working on how to deal with.
Part of what I'd like to do is spend some time on my hair, maybe some make up, and some shape wear to see if that can help me feel better about things, but that's also just effort that I don't have the spoons to really exert. I should find a way to save some of that capacity for me as a form of self-love.
I want to feel cute and attractive - I want to look at myself and feel like I'm reasonably cute and attractive. It hurts that I don't, and it hurts that I can't seem to bring myself to take steps to feel that way. I'm hoping that admitting that, even if it's just here on my small island, will help me take steps towards getting better.
Squeezing things in where I can, I've been playing a lot of Balatro recently and digging into UFO 50. Both have been fun experiences so far, but Balatro is dangerous for me. Some real, "Just one more try" mentality kicks in and I've lost myself in it for good stretches. UFO 50 has been good at staying on my brain, but is something I've been able to more easily pick up and put down.
Those aside, I'm still feeling a pretty strong pinball kick. I might try to make some time this weekend to head over to an arcade and play a few games, if we can squeeze in the time with friends and family coming in for second son's baby shower. It would be great to play some pinball with everyone since we won't be going to MAGFest in January
That said - since I last wrote, my family and I did get over to the Gaylord, atrium room and all for their Ice! show for first son's birthday. It was a weird feeling being there without all of the games and costumes and parties. Seeing things quieter was nice, though there was a big chess competition there for the weekend, so still plenty of nerds in the convention space - so many people on chess.com and playing games on paper mats.
Driving into the National Harbor though, YouTube blessed us with some Protomen and Crush 40 just as we saw the buildings over the horizon. It tricked the brain into thinking we were there for MAG and, after we left and were driving home, I was getting post-convention blues. I was thinking to myself as we were driving in just how much those MAG memories mean to me and how important that stuff is to me and who I am.
There's a good bit happening in 2025 - a lot of changes at work are coming and second son will be here before we know it. As happens at the start of every year, this feels like a good time to turn over a new leaf and I've been examining what I feel has been working for me and what hasn't.
For years, I've been attempting to maintain journaling and organization via Bullet Journaling in very free-form notebooks. In 2025 though, I've decided to try to spend the year in a Hobonichi Techo and see if the structure there helps, since most of my BuJo trouble seems to stem from the lack of structure and support that it gives out-of-the-box. I'm looking forward to the Techo giving me almost a permission to utilize space, where with the freeform style of plain notebooks I feel like I pressure myself to minimize and then keep myself from doing what would be healthy or really beneficial.
One thing I'm trying to work on, and prepare myself for, is weekly planning and setting myself up so that each day isn't a total shot-in-the-dark, but something where I can just follow a plan and execute; let the brain have a break. I'm looking forward to at least trying.
It is getting late. There were a few things here that I'm glad I got to capture before they left my mind entirely. I suppose that's part of the goal of doing this longer form writing/journaling. We'll see if we can keep it up.
Cheers.